Moms do not always have the answers.
"Mama, why is that lady doing that?"
"I don't know. I can't read her mind."
"Mama, why is your meat circle so big?"
"Because it is."
"Mama, did you hear about the shooting? That's where daddy used to live. Why would someone want to kill children?"
"Let's sit down and talk about that."
There are lots of experts on radio and TV right now trying to help us parents explain the events from Newtown, CT to our kids. Not an easy task. I'll bet many of us went into "let's hope they don't hear about it, so I don't have to try to explain it," mode. That's not a bad approach. I will admit that I was glad my children were very young after 9/11. I will also readily admit that I avoided talking about the many other tragic events that have happened in their young lives. But, now I have an adolescent. It can't be avoided.
I have been very open with my kids about my own mental illnesses. That's because my illness has an effect on my family. I wish it were different, but it's not. "Mama has depression. It's not your fault that sometimes I get sad. Actually, it's normal to sometimes get sad. What's not normal is that mama has to have help to get over the sadness. Without help, I can't pull my brain away from unhappiness. It's complicated, but the thing you need to know is that I am determined to be healthy. And, I love you very much."
Events like Newtown hit all of us hard. I mentioned before that my wonderful husband grew up in idyllic Newtown. When photos of this horrific event came forward, I was picturing his sweet 7 year old face sitting in one of those classrooms. I could feel the depression clouding my ability to be rational. I did not want my kids to see this. It was bad enough. Where do I go from here? Why do we have to deal with this?
So, we sat down. Well, actually, we started to watch football. They had their moment of silence for the victims, someone wrote the school initials on the back of their helmets and so the opening bell was rung on family discussion. The first question my kids wanted to know is, "will this happen to us?" I had to assure them that one of the reasons this is big news is because it is so rare. How could it happen? We don't fully understand that yet. So, then, they ask, WHY? WHY would someone do this, mama? That's when it gets tough. I had to tell them that there are just some things we do not know. Some things we can't comprehend. Some things that are beyond reason.
Since I live with mental illness, I probably try a little too hard to relate to those who I assume also suffer. I have never been sick enough to so something like this. I don't think I ever will be. I also don't own a gun. I have never wanted to. I don't think I ever will. But I hear all the talk about mental illness. I hear the talk about guns. It seems like everyone thinks they have the answers. Or, at least they know what the answer is NOT. The answer is NOT what the other side is proposing. Then it gets political and we all just go back to our sides, instead of working on our problems.
I do not hold on to strong political beliefs. I have studied political science and do find it fascinating. But, a partisan I am not. Probably I'm more moderate than most folks. I would never make a good talk show guest because I often believe both sides have merit and I will occasionally agree with many points of an argument. I believe in compromise. I think that giving a little and taking a little is a win-win. And, I think that most people are better off when they learn the fine art of getting along.
To avoid falling into the same trap of thinking I have the answers, I will just make a proposition. If we would all agree to do 2 things, I think we would be a little closer to seeing fewer of these events. Let's start by de stigmatizing mental illness. Talk about it. Help when you can. It's a disease just like cancer. I am in remission. I am not cured, but I am not dead. Some cancers are deadly. So are some mental illnesses. What if mental illness had a month and all the football players wore far out psychedelic colored gloves just like they wear pink gloves for a month? What if we had a special ribbon? A postage stamp? Awareness is a big first step. From there, the possibilities are endless.
The second thing we all need to do is listen. Listen to your friends, your neighbors. Agree with them when you can. Find common ground and start talking. That co-irker who burns the popcorn every day? Offer to make popcorn for her tomorrow. Make her day and don't stop there. If we got to know each other then we wouldn't be such a mystery to one another. Then, write to your congressman/woman and tell them that you believe it's okay for them to compromise every now and again.
We will always have things we can not explain. That's just part of life. Let's just hope we can go many, many years before another event like this happens again.
